Happy Holidays ~ Home Made

The last gift is wrapped, all the cookies are done, plated, and on their way to friends and family.  I just got word the kids in California got their Christmas from grandma, I can stop worrying about that. I have a four day weekend coming up, and I'm ready.  I think we'll spend Christmas morning watching the sunrise from a nice hilltop playing with our camera. I think we may have done that last year.  That's one of the benefits of keeping pictures in this blog and Facebook, I can look back and find out what we did last year.

This year most all the presents I gave are hand made by myself, a local artist, or thrift store items headed for a new life.  I made some U-Bake Cookies and Lentil soup mix in jars, a great idea I got from Care2 make a difference.  Marty, who I am thrilled is home this year, helped me bake cookies so he could gift some to his friends.  He made the oatmeal cookies, which was a great way to spend some time with him.  I also got some practice instructing instead of doing the baking. I kind of like being on that side of the recipe.  That was fun.  We tie dyed the cardamon sugar cookies too.  I started with one just to see how it would work and then the fun was on.  I called my husband into the kitchen and told him to try it, we had a great time tie dying our cookies and using different techniques to get the patterns flowing.

 Vegan Cookies for Christmas

Cardamon Sugar Cookies with Meyer Lemon Glaze
Raw Almond Butter Cookies
Almond Crescents
Oatmeal Raisin Chocolate Chip Cookies
Carrot Ginger Oat Cookies
Gluten Free Pumpkin Chocolate Chip with Buckwheat Flour
Happy Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies
Dried Asian Pears with Cinnamon and Nutmeg

Family, Love, Joy, & Sorrow

Inspiration from Kahlil Gibran on Joy & Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Why am I here? I started this blog about a year and a half ago.  Experiencing what I call a family tragedy, I went into a pretty deep depression. I isolated and stayed close to home.  Up until a couple years ago I only used the computer for work, tracking my finances, paying my bills, or occasional shopping.  While on the quest to find great recipes and increase my knowledge of plant based cooking, I started to see some interesting blogs with personal stories, poetry, music, and  beautiful photos.

My friend Michele posts a daily photo with some highlights of the day.  My friend Diana shares stories of her children, grandchildren, and her beading adventures. Lisa shares interesting herbal tips and lets us know where the next outdoor market is where we can find her selling her herbs and clothing. Morgaine shares her view of the world with personal stories, poetry, and inspirational words.  I started to see that some used it as a journaling tool. I thought I'd give it a try and I've had some great fun with it. I've found some great recipes, cooking and gardening techniques along the way and even started some great relationships.

One of my main objectives was recording my recipes and experiences in the kitchen.  So many times when I was beginning my plant based journey I had produce I was unfamiliar with or needed information about sugar or flour substitutes.  I went to the internet and just did a search on the ingredients I had on hand and found interesting ideas pretty quickly. As a creative cook, I also don't measure and create meals on the fly.  Sometimes I'd like to recreate the meal I made, but don't remember exactly what I put in it.  Keeping track of my culinary experiences has helped me improve them along the way. This has given even me a place to look up my own recipes and favorite dishes.  I've shared some stories, feelings, music, and lots of food. I hope someone else searching for that interesting vegan meal finds some useful information in my experiences.

I looked back today and read my first blog in January 2010.  My son's ordeal had been going on for a year by then.  He's finally home and life is getting back to it's usual chaos. I do believe I've grown since then.  I am still arguing with anger and fear, but that's a lifetime struggle I imagine. Sometimes easy, sometimes difficult. Now that it's a little more calm and a bit less stressful, I can see that we've all grown.  My husband and I are partners more than ever.  Marty's been home two weeks and up and out of the house early in the a.m. and back in the evening.  He's managed to put in two full days work and make all his necessary appointments and obligations.  He's got work for Monday morning. I am delighting in helping him pack a lunch.  Haven't been able to cook for my son for about two years.  What a pleasure it is now especially after knowing what he ate for the last two years, nothing but processed food, very little fresh. He's not too sure about some of the items I send his way, but he tries them all.  He's even spending a little time talking to us before he descends into the basement apartment.  Yes, I have to share my greenhouse with the original resident for awhile. I've never been more grateful for that.

Reunion day, August 29, 2011.  We headed directly to the nearest beach along the river for breakfast.  Then out to the coast where we caught the sunshine.  It was a great day.

 

What did Rachel say the other day? Rain and Rainbows, yes, they go together.

   Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. ... 

 Kahlil Gibran

Gratitude and Growth

I'm a bit melancholy today.  Part of my son's current journey is over today.  I don't think there are any more charges to be brought against him.  He now has to get through the summer in jail and then get on to rebuilding his life. He's got a much harder path to walk then he had two years ago. He has plead guilty to two more felonies.  This makes six felonies in three counties for a very stupid decision. How the F*!k does a person ever get a job with that many felonies? (Pardon the anger showing please.)  When this all started, my biggest fear was that he would spend six months in jail.  He has now been in five different institutions and pretty much incarcerated for the last two years.  He was 21 when he went away, he will be 24 in March. We've spent a lot of holidays talking with glass in between us.

Today he is officially sentenced to 70 months of correctional custody.  They have suspended 5 years with probation and he will serve another 210 days in county jail.   My very polite son, who had so much promise, has now spent the last two years in some kind of correctional facility.  I chose not to go to the courtroom today. Most of me feels good about that decision. One of the biggest lessons I've learned from this ordeal is that I cannot change anything.  I am reminded that the only thing I can change is how I react to the situation.  Instead of being angry, I can find another way to get through this day. I haven't slept much, I knew that would happen.  Even if I am not there, I am still feeling what is about to happen today. This is not what I had in mind for that cute little baby boy. I don't think I will accomplish anything by going through that fear in the courtroom today.  Instead, I'm taking care of myself. I've taken a vacation day and doing a little pampering and then some preparations for spring. Today the gardening begins, indoors and hopefully a little outdoors.Yes, gardening is cheaper than therapy.

My dear friend Cheryl, who passed away in 2009, would have reminded me that everything does work out.  It doesn't always work out the way we want it, but it does work out.  She'd remind me that getting out of ourselves and helping someone else usually helps us feel a little better. She'd ask me when the last time I did a gratitude list was.  You know, it's been awhile.  'Bout time I think.

I am grateful to be a sober. I only thought about drinking a couple times through this ordeal.  I am grateful for all I've learned that helped me not drink.

I am grateful for my loving husband who shows it every day. Sometimes I haven't been too much fun through this.

I am grateful for my sons and grandchildren.  Although we worry, there's a lot of love.  I've heard we can't appreciate the joy without the pain.  I'll try to be grateful for the pain too.

I am grateful for my beautiful warm home.(Especially the great kitchen I spend most my time creating edible art.) I heard yesterday that cooking was a great distraction.  It's working.  Happiness is taking photos of the great experiments gone right. Oh yeah, then sharing them.

I am grateful we found gardening.  My husband and I share a lot of love when we are in the sunshine and dirt taking care of our babies.

I am grateful for the busy job I have which keeps my mind active and allows for a vacation day when necessary.  My job is never boring and always changing. I usually feel appreciated there too.

I am grateful for the loving friends I have in my life. There is a lot of love in my life.  

I am grateful for the ability to be creative and share that with others. Love sharing art and the love of good food with others.  The potluck is a great new distraction. It's been a blessing to have this in my mind instead of my son's troubles.

Now Cheryl would have me do at least five, there's eight.  On my way to feeling better I think.  I haven't slept as much as I would like.  But that's OK, I get to move at my own pace today.   Another reason to be grateful for vacation days. I'm doing OK, but I don't think I want to interact with too many today. I need some solitude myself.  It's time to get ready for spring.  I am starting the day with a deep muscle massage, then a pedicure, (which also comes with reading time), and then if it's not too wet I am headed out to the garden to start some lettuce, onions, and peas.  If it's raining, I'll get them started here.  I also have some Almond Madeleine dough setting in the fridge, I'll share them with you later. I am looking forward to the day!

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.


Kahlil Gibran

A Mother's Love

A mother’s love is both a source of pain and joy.
She cannot dissemble her own essential qualities. Yet she
is constantly haunted by the specter of their affect on her
impressionable child

She feels erroneously that the greatness or inadequacy of
her own spirit can be measured by the person he becomes;
Her own sorrows, delights and anxieties will be visibly
reflected by his ability to contend with inevitable
difficulties

She has no control over the forces other people are
constantly unleashing on his unformed character and
consequently is continually troubled by their power to
inflict lasting damage. She becomes the vulnerable captive
of her own tenderness

She does not realise that while certain elements in her own
nature: standards, beliefs, the direction she asks him to
take, may filter through, they will eventually comprise a
minute component of the complete cycle

He is the creation of life’s own desire to perpetuate itself in
its tragic imperfections and glorious potential. The extent
of his resilience was decided before his birth
Should he err, her remorse will exceed his. Should he be
punished unjustly, she will serve a harsher sentence. Yet
when his unconquerable spirit derives benefits in the shape
of firm reality she cannot demand the credit

She can only stand in the shadows and bless the benign fate
that chose her to bear one of its more fruitful products. She
sowed seeds of love and is reaping a golden harvest but she
would have been powerless if the cyclone had crushed them
in its wake

Now she prays on that he enjoys the life that created him
and can view dispassionately all the elements of her own
nature with love and understanding.
This was me...   

Carmelita Naomi Roemer  

Halloween

I am starting to realize what a family holiday Halloween really is.  I miss my sons and all the preparation of designing our costumes and gathering the supplies.  When I was young Halloween was one of the biggest days of our lives.  Since our family was so large, the collection of decorations and costumes grew every year.  I think it was some of the most fun my siblings and I had together. We were usually one of the most popular Halloween haunts on the block.  I remember the neighborhood kids anxiously looking forward to seeing what we came up with each year.  Our mother would dress up every year scaring some trick-or-treater's just about past the next house. It's always been one of my favorites, it's been a big deal and a lot of fun with my own children.  I know both of my sons are thinking about me today.

HALLOWE'EN
 

Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite
All are on their rounds to-night,-
 In the wan moon's silver ray
 Thrives their helter-skelter play.

Fond of cellar, barn,or stack,
True unto the almanac,
They present to credulous eyes
Strange hobgoblin mysteries.

Cabbage-stomps-straws wet with dew-
Apple-skins, and chestnuts too,
 And a mirror for some lass,
Show what wonders come to pass.

Doors they move, and gates they hide,
Mischiefs that on moon-beams ride
Are their deeds, and, by their spells,
 Love records its oracles.

Don't we all, of long ago,
By the ruddy fireplace glow,
In the kitchen and the hall,
Those queer, coofllke pranks recall?

Eery shadows were they then-
But to-night they come again;
Were we once more but sixteen,
Precious would be Halloween.

-Joel Benton

“At first cock-crow the ghosts must go, back to their quiet graves below.” ~ Theodosia Garrison

A letter to Barb

Things have been pretty quiet in our lives lately. Summer is here and we look forward to some music, camping, festivals, time with friends, gardening, and fresh food adventures.  I've been stuck for something to write about. Not much of a writer, but I still feel like I should have something to say and not just post a blog because I feel like I should. I was writing a letter to my friend and sister, Barb, this morning and realized it would make a good post as it sums up life pretty well.

Barb and I have been friends and sisters since we were 14 or 15.  We dreamed of our own home together in high school and we did have that home together, a couple times.  Love you Barb!

Deb & Barb 1979

 
Hi Barb,

I haven't been very sociable this year. The deal with Marty really broke our hearts. I have been dealing with a different kind of pain like I have never known. Two evenings with this young lady and so far he has plead guilty to 'rape of a child' in two counties, I think three counts. He is facing two more right now. FOR THE SAME NIGHT! He's been in a jail or prison for a year and a half now. This is the fifth jail he is in right now.

He finished his prison term for WA last month and was transported directly to St. Helen's Oregon to face another two charges for the same fucking incident. You see you have to drive through Columbia County to get to Astoria where he was first convicted. Apparently they might have stopped at the beach near the river on the way. He is getting charged now for what we might call the "pre-game." But, whatever happened, it happened on the way to the main event in Astoria and the charges he already plead guilty to now count as prior offenses. So, two nights, something like five counts of some form of rape in three counties, two states. He is facing 14 years in prison in Oregon. If he is found guilty of the charges in Oregon he would be sentenced to 14 years without the chance of parole.  And, this is his first offense, I don't understand this.  If he had robbed a liquor store, he'd be completing his probation by now.

Scott and I stick pretty close to each other these days. We have pulled together like a couple that has been together 25 years should.  We have had a few bumps along the way, but for the most part, we've been good to each other through this.

We have a great garden, 40' x 40'. It's in a community garden plot where there are 120 gardens. It's an awesome place. We put lots of our energy into that. Last year we gave away food to almost everyone we know. I dropped off lots at churches, AA halls, and brought veggies to both our jobs. I can't believe how much we love it. We first started the big garden last year during this ordeal. Someone said gardening would relieve stress and I thought we could try it. They were right, I can go two, sometimes three, hours without thinking about Marty and Bob.

Anyway, we do get into pictures a lot. Since Marty has been in so many places, we go see him every other weekend, we see a lot of the countryside. The prisons were both a four hour drive, roundtrip. We make sure to stop along the way to hike, take photos, and try to turn it into an enjoyable trip. We've been to see him in three jails and two prisons. Unfortunately I know the difference between a good visiting area and a bad one. We have been searched numerous times and gone through some interesting and humiliating procedures. Oh, he can't live here when he gets out either because we are too close to a school. Fuck, he didn't rape anyone, he had consensual sex with a young lady who called our house and asked him out. I dunno, time to buy a small farm I think. We do need a business. I want to retire in six years, but I know I will still need to work.

Pisses me off, I live my life sober and honestly, Scott & I don't do harm to anyone and live a pretty quiet life. We have a happy loving relationship. Sometimes I just don't understand how it could go so wrong so quickly. I still have a hard time believing this is happening.

Bob is in Afghanistan. He communicates on facebook now & then. He says there is more fighting going on then when he went to Iraq. Some stories he probably shouldn't be telling his mother. He sent some interesting pictures of his unit going through farms picking vegetables. Or, I thought they were vegetables. I posted the pictures on my blog and later when he called asked him what he was picking. He said, mom, look closer, those are huge Oregano? plants. Oh, duh, guess I have pictures of huge pot growing in vegetable fields and I didn't even know it. Yeah, I'm an old fart now I guess.

So, I am still me, just a bit quieter, bitchier, and sometimes down right pissy. But, I still love you. I am looking forward to your son's wedding, whenever it may be. It will give us a good excuse to come play in the bay area. We like that.

Here's a link to our pictures we take, Our pictures. There is a folder called "Garden 2010." We are really happy with gardening. I think we will probably get a run down farm in the future and go back to living in the country, I'm ready. After all, we moved into town for the kids years ago, they aren't here anymore.


Enjoying the sunshine tremendously, it's been in the 90ºs, we had no spring! Get to go get my granddaughter next weekend and play with her for a couple weeks. I am going to start the adventure with a trip to Sequim for the Lavender festival.  She's big enough to go visit the farms with me and make some lavender crafts herself.  I am very excited about that.

Love you, Deb

Balance? in Juneuary?

Yes, it's Juneuary in the Northwest.  I feel like we've seen enough rain to last us until next winter.  We are still wearing sweaters, socks, and long pants to work in mid June.  We have had some sunshine about once a week.  They say this is the longest stretch of rainy weather in spring in 23 years.  I had so hoped to be in my garden more.   The plants are growing, but they are small.  The biggest thing I miss though is the peace I get when I'm out there.

Marty is soon to be released from the prison in Washington and will be transported to another jail in Oregon where he can once again face charges for the same instance and same people.    He has been incarcerated now for the last year and a half.   I fear he has quite a few months or more ahead of him left.  I have seen many courtrooms in the last year and a half, many people who have done much worse have gotten less trouble, from my standpoint anyway.   I don't understand our justice system at all.   I still have problems believing this has happened at all.   I do know what surreal feels like.   We are responsible people, things like this aren't supposed to happen, at least I didn't think so.   I am trying to handle all of this better than I did last year.   This week I am back to screaming inside a bit.  But, I know there are many blessings in my life.   I just have to learn to see them and remember them when I feel bad.

Yesterday I sent my first care package to my son in Afghanistan.  He asked for canned meats and easy meals, the just add water kind, socks, coffee, and foot powder.   They get some vegetables and fruit from local farmers.   Oh my gosh, I filled a box with what I consider "edible food-like substances."   I tried to keep it a little healthy by sending canned salmon, crab, papaya, and applesauce along with the Spam and other cans that had pictures of meat.   But most of the things he asked for I wouldn't buy or eat, but I'm not the one foraging for food in unfriendly places.    He can have what he wants, if I can send it.  He sent me a picture of his cooking facilities and some of their "gardening."  I am pretty sure I wouldn't  like it if these guys came by my garden dressed for battle with loaded rifles. 

Bob's Kitchen

Picking vegetables

And, Fruit shopping, I think this is the closest my sailor gets to water.

The man who helped me at the post office was a jolly character.  He showed me how to fill out the custom papers and handed me a stack of them for the future boxes.   He gave me a whole roll of postal packing tape, and a stack of boxes marked for sending to FPO addresses.  He also went on to proudly tell me about his daughter who just made 3rd class in the Navy, she's deployed, and a son who is about to enter Officer Training School.   Then, he said something that made me feel connected to him and a little relaxed inside, he said his other son was in prison, he had made a stupid decision.  You know that made me smile inside to hear someone else say the same thing I do.  I know how this man feels. He was kind sharing with me even though he was probably just letting it out like I do.   It seems to help to tell others.   If I felt alone yesterday, as I often do in this ordeal, I didn't for that moment.   I thanked him for sharing and told him my other son was also in prison.  He said, "you know, we all have one."   I am so glad I picked that moment to go to the post office, I haven't felt that connected to a stranger like that in a long time.  Somehow that eased the pain just a bit. 

So, yes, I have whined a bit today and I'm not feeling that great.  But at the same time I am able to see that there is some balance to all of this.   Even if I only see a little, I know that I do learn from the trials I go through.  Gosh, if I don't remember this, my friends, the books I read, and the music I listen to remind me of this all the time.   I shouldn't forget it, but I do.  I am learning to appreciate what I do have and not worry about what I don't have.  I can feel the peace when it comes.  I do have a good life, I'm alive, sober, happily married, employed at a job I love, and there are lots of vegetables growing in my garden soon, if the darn sun would shine.

We do try to find a way to make some fun along this journey.  We took a long time to drive home Sunday from visiting Marty in Aberdeen.  We got so wrapped up in catching the beauty of the sunshine and the coast, on the same day, it took us four hours to drive home.  It should only take two and that's with a stretch stop or two.

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.

Carl Jung, "Memories, Dreams, Reflections", 1962

Memorial Day Blessings

Yesterday was memorial, pun intended.  We usually go see our son in the afternoons on Saturday's.  It's a two hour drive with a two or three hour visit and then another two hours or so driving home.  We don't get home until too late to really do anything useful.  We don't stop to walk in the woods as it's dark and we want to get home.  We thought we'd try for Monday morning since we were both off.  We could stop at some of the places we see but don't have time to stop, get there early, leave maybe around 2:00 or 2:30 p.m. and get home by 5:00ish and still have some evening at home. Great idea!

Well, we weren't the only people with the day off.  We arrived at the prison at 11:30 a.m., they open at 11:00 a.m.  The waiting room was already almost two people deep all around the perimeter.  We got on a waiting list, already number thirty.   My husband said "Let's leave and write him a letter."   I must be getting better because I didn't even have to think about it.  A sigh of relief came over and I said, "Yes, let's not let this take up our entire day off."   It really felt good and right. We thanked the corrections officer and left.  We proceeded to enjoy our day and each other. It was like getting some time back in my life. I wrote Marty a letter today.

Family and Gifts

Saturday was our visit to the correctional institution. It went as usual, two hour drive through the woods, stopping to stretch now and then and enjoy what time we can. We visit for two hours or so, play scrabble, and try to be pleasant and optimistic about the future. Soon to be released from this institution, my son faces more challenges on this journey. It will be over someday.

We do manage to have a good visit. We are a family and that shows. There's plenty of love there. As we were leaving I noticed another father working hard to hold back his tears. I know what he feels like, I had to turn as I had a problem holding back my own at that moment. We were pretty quiet as we left. We found a park close by where we stop and walk a bit after our visits. It gives us time to change our attitudes before our journey home. This time there were a flock of geese resting on their journey. A two hour drive home and Saturday is pretty much over, but that just means there are less Saturday's to go before my son comes home. I have to find something positive to think about. It's hard, but I do manage.

I played in the kitchen and my husband spent some time working in the yard yesterday.  My husband is very sweet, handles things his own way. He takes his camera and brings me flowers. We do have a beautiful home, lot of love, and a lot to be grateful for.

Rainy Day with Occasional Sunshowers

It's a rainy day with occasional sunshowers.  It'll make our drive to see Marty so much more fun. We should see a few rainbows along the way.  We'll take some home with us in our cameras.  It's Saturday afternoon and already almost a full day for me.  I was up early, as usual, went to a meeting at 6:00 a.m., grabbed some inspiration, and then up to my friend's house to do some work.  I was home by noon and since I got the salad started last night it didn't take too long to finish.  Scott will be home soon and we're off to see Marty in Aberdeen.  That will take up the rest of the day.  We do make it a point to stop along the way and enjoy our surroundings for a little while.  At least it's a very beautiful drive.  I am ready though, salad is made, we have some packed and ready to eat in the woods somewhere today, and I made a pot of white beans before I went to bed last night.  Since today is pretty much taken up, I had to make sure we had out basics in the fridge before today.

Last night though, we did have to shop. Looks like there's lots of room in this refrigerator. 

Just 20 minutes in the produce section, we have meals for a week.

Didn't forget the fruit.

I am pleased at how much fruit and vegetables go through my kitchen each week.  We really have taken on some healthy habits when it comes to eating.  I don't think there are but two or three items in my refrigerator that are processed food.  The ones that are, are vegan.

I received five recipes from The Flexitarian Cookbook in my email box yesterday.  The message said "Here are some recipes to keep you busy until the book is published in August."  I think they'll keep me busy an hour or two.  I am hoping to fit a couple of them in this weekend, tomorrow.  One of the recipes has peanut butter, granola, chocolate, and coconut.  Gotta try that one. :-)  Another is made with chickpeas, sweet onions, and pomegranate seeds.  Looks fun, but pomegranates aren't in season right now so I will have to be creative.  I am going to soak some coarse chopped, dried blueberries and cranberries and soak them in a little bit of pomegranate juice.  Sounds adventurous, but I bet it will work out just fine.  I'll let you know.

Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be like it is today, with a few more sun showers. I hope so.  I would like to get some more seedlings in the ground and just be outside.  We went out to take a peak in the rain last night. Things are looking beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cookie Face

I really did have a good day for the most part. Work went very well, I felt the warm sun on my skin today, and had some fun in my home doing what I want. I relaxed this evening with a little music, some crocheting, playing in our green house, and doing some "mom" stuff. Just because the kids aren't around doesn't mean I can't celebrate Mother's Day. I made some Gluten Free Orange Pecan Shortbread Cookies, some healthy comfort food. My husband doesn't usually care for shortbread, but he liked these very much. Instead of wheat flour I used some potato starch and tapioca flour. Only one egg yolk for the whole batter and a couple tablespoons almond milk, there is very little dairy in these cookies. I chopped some roasted pecans I got in Alabama, and added the zest from one orange in the batter.

Cookie Face
Some people have imaginary friends. I bake mine, Gluten Free. :-)

Keep Moving Forward

As happy and calm as I seem to be most of the day, I do have those times when I am a screaming inside because I just don't understand how my son ended up in prison and how my other son will be in a war zone in just a couple days. I feel great after my morning prayer and meditation but have to stop throughout the day and refresh that feeling with a little breathing and prayer. I noticed this yesterday. After a nice quiet morning at home and some peace in the garden, just a short time later, I am going through this tense feeling again. I am driving to the farmer's market listening to the Grateful Dead marathon on KBOO, and looking forward to the events of the day. I should be feeling great, but I find myself suddenly in tense screaming mode. This feeling seems like it just comes out of no where and without warning. I take a few breaths and mutter a "God's will, not mine" or some other short prayer that reminds me I am not in control and freaking out is not going to help the situation. The feeling passes in a few moments. I try to combat this stress by being creative, busy, and productive. The gardening helps and so do the cooking adventures. The only thing I can control in this process is how I react to these situations and feelings. I can only keep moving forward in the best, positive way I know how and not cause any more pain. I need to remind myself that life is good for the most part and there is a lot of love in my life. We will get through this, this will pass. I must say that my husband and I really did have a very nice day together yesterday and look forward to another today. We do enjoy each others' company. I have a great relationship and some very loving friends. I know I am not going through this alone.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of testing a few recipes for The Flexitarian Cookbook coming out this fall. It's a collection of recipes that can be made with or without meat.

I can't reveal the recipes yet, but I got to try out:

White Bean & Spinach Soup

Tuscan Bean Soup

Roasted Eggplant and Mint Salad

And:

Jeff's Grilled Elote, a spicy Mexican corn on the cob

I did get a lot of the week's cooking done yesterday. I will probably put together something sweet, but for the most part, taking it slow is my goal. Today I am hoping to get some crocheting and reading time, maybe a nice long walk, even if it's raining.

Gifts and Friends are Synonomous

I think about my sons everyday and at least once a day I am reminded that my heart is a bit broken. I seem much better than last year, but I still have to watch for anger and fear. They are enemies for someone like me. Keeping busy with the garden and working together through this, my husband and I, I am doing pretty good right now. We are working through this like a couple who've been together this long should. I don't think we've ever been this close. But I do have those days when it feels like I am lost and trying to find myself again. I am a very different person than I was just 13 months ago. Just about everything I do and think on a daily basis has changed. Much of it for the better, but it is change. Then, as always, my angels put people in my life who just love me and give me something to smile about when I can't. I am grateful for the miracles I receive EVERY Day!

Saturday and Family

Started the day with a shot of the sunrise in Hawaii. My oldest son, Robert, is in Kaneohe Bay training to leave for Afghanistan in a couple weeks. Text messages are a beautiful thing. During the morning we exchanged some text conversations and later in the day he sent me a few sunset pictures. I felt like I got to spend some time with both my sons yesterday.

Sunrise at Kaneohe Bay

We need to see Marty for ourselves as much as he needs the visits. His troubles have dictated what we do with a bit of our time. I do miss being able to ramble around the countryside when and where we would like to go on the weekends. But, it's all about love and family, I'd go everyday, if I needed to. Driving to Aberdeen, spending time with Marty, and driving back does take a big chunk out of Saturday. The day starts off pretty good, I get some chores done, make a large salad and pack some food for the trip. We have found it's a little difficult to eat how we want to on the road. When we don't eat so well, we always have some salad and fresh fruit in the car. We've found some pretty awesome places to stop and enjoy a meal along the way on these trips. We leave about 2:00 pm and don't get home until almost 11:00 pm. By the time we get home it seems the whole day is spent sitting, driving, stretching, and more driving.

We try to make it as enjoyable as possible. We always make a little time to stop and breath in Earth's beauty a little and take some photos. This time we did things a little differently. I drove and Scott played with his camera along the way. My local friends will recognize most of these shots.

It's Sunday and the sun is shining. I've started a pot of black beans. I think I'll make some black bean enchiladas later. I made a nice crab fritatta for breakfast, I'll post the details later. For now, we are out to enjoy the sunshine and work on that garden.