I have admitted to myself, and now you, that I am pretty sure I've been isolating for a long time now. I started seeing it during the Christmas holidays when I noticed I was shopping in the early afternoon during the week, always home before five. I think I was trying to avoid seeing anyone who might know or ask about my son, Marty. It seems every time I get a pedicure one of his former teachers is in there too asking about her 'favorite student.' Although my husband and I have grown very close during this ordeal, I haven't socialized, done any volunteering, or just plain visit with friends outside of work. I am grateful for someone who recently came into our lives. We have become good friends and share many common interests. She comes to the house on her way home from work now & then, it's given me some socializing with the outside world. Our interest in the whole foods experience has brought us together for a little weekly potluck. She likes to cook whole foods for her family and likes to experiment as much as I. We get together and share each others art.
Rachel was talking to me the other day about this grief thing. She has also had a rough year of it and mentioned that one of the things that seemed true to her feelings through this pain was the need to find a safe place emotionally and even physically at times. I think I know what she was telling me. Since my son's troubles, I have changed everything I do, think, feel, and talk about. Some days I am not sure who I am or which way I am walking. It does feel like I am starting all over. There are days when I realize this can be a good thing. Today is one of those days! I am working to turning the negative into positive today.
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