Halloween

I am starting to realize what a family holiday Halloween really is.  I miss my sons and all the preparation of designing our costumes and gathering the supplies.  When I was young Halloween was one of the biggest days of our lives.  Since our family was so large, the collection of decorations and costumes grew every year.  I think it was some of the most fun my siblings and I had together. We were usually one of the most popular Halloween haunts on the block.  I remember the neighborhood kids anxiously looking forward to seeing what we came up with each year.  Our mother would dress up every year scaring some trick-or-treater's just about past the next house. It's always been one of my favorites, it's been a big deal and a lot of fun with my own children.  I know both of my sons are thinking about me today.

HALLOWE'EN
 

Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite
All are on their rounds to-night,-
 In the wan moon's silver ray
 Thrives their helter-skelter play.

Fond of cellar, barn,or stack,
True unto the almanac,
They present to credulous eyes
Strange hobgoblin mysteries.

Cabbage-stomps-straws wet with dew-
Apple-skins, and chestnuts too,
 And a mirror for some lass,
Show what wonders come to pass.

Doors they move, and gates they hide,
Mischiefs that on moon-beams ride
Are their deeds, and, by their spells,
 Love records its oracles.

Don't we all, of long ago,
By the ruddy fireplace glow,
In the kitchen and the hall,
Those queer, coofllke pranks recall?

Eery shadows were they then-
But to-night they come again;
Were we once more but sixteen,
Precious would be Halloween.

-Joel Benton

“At first cock-crow the ghosts must go, back to their quiet graves below.” ~ Theodosia Garrison

A letter to Barb

Things have been pretty quiet in our lives lately. Summer is here and we look forward to some music, camping, festivals, time with friends, gardening, and fresh food adventures.  I've been stuck for something to write about. Not much of a writer, but I still feel like I should have something to say and not just post a blog because I feel like I should. I was writing a letter to my friend and sister, Barb, this morning and realized it would make a good post as it sums up life pretty well.

Barb and I have been friends and sisters since we were 14 or 15.  We dreamed of our own home together in high school and we did have that home together, a couple times.  Love you Barb!

Deb & Barb 1979

 
Hi Barb,

I haven't been very sociable this year. The deal with Marty really broke our hearts. I have been dealing with a different kind of pain like I have never known. Two evenings with this young lady and so far he has plead guilty to 'rape of a child' in two counties, I think three counts. He is facing two more right now. FOR THE SAME NIGHT! He's been in a jail or prison for a year and a half now. This is the fifth jail he is in right now.

He finished his prison term for WA last month and was transported directly to St. Helen's Oregon to face another two charges for the same fucking incident. You see you have to drive through Columbia County to get to Astoria where he was first convicted. Apparently they might have stopped at the beach near the river on the way. He is getting charged now for what we might call the "pre-game." But, whatever happened, it happened on the way to the main event in Astoria and the charges he already plead guilty to now count as prior offenses. So, two nights, something like five counts of some form of rape in three counties, two states. He is facing 14 years in prison in Oregon. If he is found guilty of the charges in Oregon he would be sentenced to 14 years without the chance of parole.  And, this is his first offense, I don't understand this.  If he had robbed a liquor store, he'd be completing his probation by now.

Scott and I stick pretty close to each other these days. We have pulled together like a couple that has been together 25 years should.  We have had a few bumps along the way, but for the most part, we've been good to each other through this.

We have a great garden, 40' x 40'. It's in a community garden plot where there are 120 gardens. It's an awesome place. We put lots of our energy into that. Last year we gave away food to almost everyone we know. I dropped off lots at churches, AA halls, and brought veggies to both our jobs. I can't believe how much we love it. We first started the big garden last year during this ordeal. Someone said gardening would relieve stress and I thought we could try it. They were right, I can go two, sometimes three, hours without thinking about Marty and Bob.

Anyway, we do get into pictures a lot. Since Marty has been in so many places, we go see him every other weekend, we see a lot of the countryside. The prisons were both a four hour drive, roundtrip. We make sure to stop along the way to hike, take photos, and try to turn it into an enjoyable trip. We've been to see him in three jails and two prisons. Unfortunately I know the difference between a good visiting area and a bad one. We have been searched numerous times and gone through some interesting and humiliating procedures. Oh, he can't live here when he gets out either because we are too close to a school. Fuck, he didn't rape anyone, he had consensual sex with a young lady who called our house and asked him out. I dunno, time to buy a small farm I think. We do need a business. I want to retire in six years, but I know I will still need to work.

Pisses me off, I live my life sober and honestly, Scott & I don't do harm to anyone and live a pretty quiet life. We have a happy loving relationship. Sometimes I just don't understand how it could go so wrong so quickly. I still have a hard time believing this is happening.

Bob is in Afghanistan. He communicates on facebook now & then. He says there is more fighting going on then when he went to Iraq. Some stories he probably shouldn't be telling his mother. He sent some interesting pictures of his unit going through farms picking vegetables. Or, I thought they were vegetables. I posted the pictures on my blog and later when he called asked him what he was picking. He said, mom, look closer, those are huge Oregano? plants. Oh, duh, guess I have pictures of huge pot growing in vegetable fields and I didn't even know it. Yeah, I'm an old fart now I guess.

So, I am still me, just a bit quieter, bitchier, and sometimes down right pissy. But, I still love you. I am looking forward to your son's wedding, whenever it may be. It will give us a good excuse to come play in the bay area. We like that.

Here's a link to our pictures we take, Our pictures. There is a folder called "Garden 2010." We are really happy with gardening. I think we will probably get a run down farm in the future and go back to living in the country, I'm ready. After all, we moved into town for the kids years ago, they aren't here anymore.


Enjoying the sunshine tremendously, it's been in the 90ºs, we had no spring! Get to go get my granddaughter next weekend and play with her for a couple weeks. I am going to start the adventure with a trip to Sequim for the Lavender festival.  She's big enough to go visit the farms with me and make some lavender crafts herself.  I am very excited about that.

Love you, Deb

Balance? in Juneuary?

Yes, it's Juneuary in the Northwest.  I feel like we've seen enough rain to last us until next winter.  We are still wearing sweaters, socks, and long pants to work in mid June.  We have had some sunshine about once a week.  They say this is the longest stretch of rainy weather in spring in 23 years.  I had so hoped to be in my garden more.   The plants are growing, but they are small.  The biggest thing I miss though is the peace I get when I'm out there.

Marty is soon to be released from the prison in Washington and will be transported to another jail in Oregon where he can once again face charges for the same instance and same people.    He has been incarcerated now for the last year and a half.   I fear he has quite a few months or more ahead of him left.  I have seen many courtrooms in the last year and a half, many people who have done much worse have gotten less trouble, from my standpoint anyway.   I don't understand our justice system at all.   I still have problems believing this has happened at all.   I do know what surreal feels like.   We are responsible people, things like this aren't supposed to happen, at least I didn't think so.   I am trying to handle all of this better than I did last year.   This week I am back to screaming inside a bit.  But, I know there are many blessings in my life.   I just have to learn to see them and remember them when I feel bad.

Yesterday I sent my first care package to my son in Afghanistan.  He asked for canned meats and easy meals, the just add water kind, socks, coffee, and foot powder.   They get some vegetables and fruit from local farmers.   Oh my gosh, I filled a box with what I consider "edible food-like substances."   I tried to keep it a little healthy by sending canned salmon, crab, papaya, and applesauce along with the Spam and other cans that had pictures of meat.   But most of the things he asked for I wouldn't buy or eat, but I'm not the one foraging for food in unfriendly places.    He can have what he wants, if I can send it.  He sent me a picture of his cooking facilities and some of their "gardening."  I am pretty sure I wouldn't  like it if these guys came by my garden dressed for battle with loaded rifles. 

Bob's Kitchen

Picking vegetables

And, Fruit shopping, I think this is the closest my sailor gets to water.

The man who helped me at the post office was a jolly character.  He showed me how to fill out the custom papers and handed me a stack of them for the future boxes.   He gave me a whole roll of postal packing tape, and a stack of boxes marked for sending to FPO addresses.  He also went on to proudly tell me about his daughter who just made 3rd class in the Navy, she's deployed, and a son who is about to enter Officer Training School.   Then, he said something that made me feel connected to him and a little relaxed inside, he said his other son was in prison, he had made a stupid decision.  You know that made me smile inside to hear someone else say the same thing I do.  I know how this man feels. He was kind sharing with me even though he was probably just letting it out like I do.   It seems to help to tell others.   If I felt alone yesterday, as I often do in this ordeal, I didn't for that moment.   I thanked him for sharing and told him my other son was also in prison.  He said, "you know, we all have one."   I am so glad I picked that moment to go to the post office, I haven't felt that connected to a stranger like that in a long time.  Somehow that eased the pain just a bit. 

So, yes, I have whined a bit today and I'm not feeling that great.  But at the same time I am able to see that there is some balance to all of this.   Even if I only see a little, I know that I do learn from the trials I go through.  Gosh, if I don't remember this, my friends, the books I read, and the music I listen to remind me of this all the time.   I shouldn't forget it, but I do.  I am learning to appreciate what I do have and not worry about what I don't have.  I can feel the peace when it comes.  I do have a good life, I'm alive, sober, happily married, employed at a job I love, and there are lots of vegetables growing in my garden soon, if the darn sun would shine.

We do try to find a way to make some fun along this journey.  We took a long time to drive home Sunday from visiting Marty in Aberdeen.  We got so wrapped up in catching the beauty of the sunshine and the coast, on the same day, it took us four hours to drive home.  It should only take two and that's with a stretch stop or two.

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.

Carl Jung, "Memories, Dreams, Reflections", 1962

Message for My Son - Robert

Bob, I noticed you were on Facebook last night and today.  If you happen to check your mom's blog wherever you are, this one's for you.

I got new rain boots for the garden and was reminded of a time when you were small in La Honda.  It was an extremely wet winter and I felt bad you couldn't play in the rain without getting your shoes ruined.  We both got new mud boots and the first thing you said was "Come on mom, let's celebrate and jump in the mud puddles."

I celebrate Robert!

Take Good Care of My Son! We love you!

Mom

Herbs, Corn, & Butternut Squash

What a beautiful sunny day it was yesterday.  The sun was warm and we got two full hours in the garden.  Planted some corn, butternut squash, some broccoli, mustard lavender, sage, radishes, and some sunflowers. I am hoping for a lot of gardening this weekend, the sun is supposed to be with us all weekend. It will be good for my body and soul to be outside working in the dirt.  Yesterday I think I went all two hours in the garden without speaking. When I realized that, I tried to listen to the quiet.

Bob is off to Afghanistan this morning, he left last night.  I woke to a voice mail telling me he loved me and will call when he can.  I seem to be having some sort of strange peace inside.  Not bad, not good, I'm just quiet inside.  I am not going to question this, it's OK.  I know there is a wall of frustration and fear right behind this quiet.  I'm going to start the day with a deep muscle massage which gives me some meditation time.  I anticipate a nice day at work.  I have a couple projects and it will be quiet.  The first Fridays of warm weather tend to give people reasons to work or play out of the office.  I am hoping to be done a little early to get some more time in the garden.  Easy Does it Today.

Cookie Face

I really did have a good day for the most part. Work went very well, I felt the warm sun on my skin today, and had some fun in my home doing what I want. I relaxed this evening with a little music, some crocheting, playing in our green house, and doing some "mom" stuff. Just because the kids aren't around doesn't mean I can't celebrate Mother's Day. I made some Gluten Free Orange Pecan Shortbread Cookies, some healthy comfort food. My husband doesn't usually care for shortbread, but he liked these very much. Instead of wheat flour I used some potato starch and tapioca flour. Only one egg yolk for the whole batter and a couple tablespoons almond milk, there is very little dairy in these cookies. I chopped some roasted pecans I got in Alabama, and added the zest from one orange in the batter.

Cookie Face
Some people have imaginary friends. I bake mine, Gluten Free. :-)

Keep Moving Forward

As happy and calm as I seem to be most of the day, I do have those times when I am a screaming inside because I just don't understand how my son ended up in prison and how my other son will be in a war zone in just a couple days. I feel great after my morning prayer and meditation but have to stop throughout the day and refresh that feeling with a little breathing and prayer. I noticed this yesterday. After a nice quiet morning at home and some peace in the garden, just a short time later, I am going through this tense feeling again. I am driving to the farmer's market listening to the Grateful Dead marathon on KBOO, and looking forward to the events of the day. I should be feeling great, but I find myself suddenly in tense screaming mode. This feeling seems like it just comes out of no where and without warning. I take a few breaths and mutter a "God's will, not mine" or some other short prayer that reminds me I am not in control and freaking out is not going to help the situation. The feeling passes in a few moments. I try to combat this stress by being creative, busy, and productive. The gardening helps and so do the cooking adventures. The only thing I can control in this process is how I react to these situations and feelings. I can only keep moving forward in the best, positive way I know how and not cause any more pain. I need to remind myself that life is good for the most part and there is a lot of love in my life. We will get through this, this will pass. I must say that my husband and I really did have a very nice day together yesterday and look forward to another today. We do enjoy each others' company. I have a great relationship and some very loving friends. I know I am not going through this alone.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of testing a few recipes for The Flexitarian Cookbook coming out this fall. It's a collection of recipes that can be made with or without meat.

I can't reveal the recipes yet, but I got to try out:

White Bean & Spinach Soup

Tuscan Bean Soup

Roasted Eggplant and Mint Salad

And:

Jeff's Grilled Elote, a spicy Mexican corn on the cob

I did get a lot of the week's cooking done yesterday. I will probably put together something sweet, but for the most part, taking it slow is my goal. Today I am hoping to get some crocheting and reading time, maybe a nice long walk, even if it's raining.

Gifts and Friends are Synonomous

I think about my sons everyday and at least once a day I am reminded that my heart is a bit broken. I seem much better than last year, but I still have to watch for anger and fear. They are enemies for someone like me. Keeping busy with the garden and working together through this, my husband and I, I am doing pretty good right now. We are working through this like a couple who've been together this long should. I don't think we've ever been this close. But I do have those days when it feels like I am lost and trying to find myself again. I am a very different person than I was just 13 months ago. Just about everything I do and think on a daily basis has changed. Much of it for the better, but it is change. Then, as always, my angels put people in my life who just love me and give me something to smile about when I can't. I am grateful for the miracles I receive EVERY Day!

Saturday and Family

Started the day with a shot of the sunrise in Hawaii. My oldest son, Robert, is in Kaneohe Bay training to leave for Afghanistan in a couple weeks. Text messages are a beautiful thing. During the morning we exchanged some text conversations and later in the day he sent me a few sunset pictures. I felt like I got to spend some time with both my sons yesterday.

Sunrise at Kaneohe Bay

We need to see Marty for ourselves as much as he needs the visits. His troubles have dictated what we do with a bit of our time. I do miss being able to ramble around the countryside when and where we would like to go on the weekends. But, it's all about love and family, I'd go everyday, if I needed to. Driving to Aberdeen, spending time with Marty, and driving back does take a big chunk out of Saturday. The day starts off pretty good, I get some chores done, make a large salad and pack some food for the trip. We have found it's a little difficult to eat how we want to on the road. When we don't eat so well, we always have some salad and fresh fruit in the car. We've found some pretty awesome places to stop and enjoy a meal along the way on these trips. We leave about 2:00 pm and don't get home until almost 11:00 pm. By the time we get home it seems the whole day is spent sitting, driving, stretching, and more driving.

We try to make it as enjoyable as possible. We always make a little time to stop and breath in Earth's beauty a little and take some photos. This time we did things a little differently. I drove and Scott played with his camera along the way. My local friends will recognize most of these shots.

It's Sunday and the sun is shining. I've started a pot of black beans. I think I'll make some black bean enchiladas later. I made a nice crab fritatta for breakfast, I'll post the details later. For now, we are out to enjoy the sunshine and work on that garden.

Family - Bob & Kaylee

Bob & Kaylee
Christmas 2009

Bob, my oldest young man, will be 29 next Thursday, yep, April Fool's Day. He is off to Afghanistan April 25. I have been pretty calm about it so far, I've known this was coming since November. The negativity has been trying to sneak in lately. Love my garden! (even if it is just weeds right now)

He did a tour in Iraq already about four or five years ago. He came home in 2006. I have some practice keeping the fear and anger to a minimum. I stopped watching the news regarding the action in Iraq. I did go to a war protest, that helped me feel like I was doing something. I kept lots of flat rate mailboxes handy and sent one off about every two weeks. I was lucky enough at the time to have had a strong woman placed in my daily life who's son had already been there and back. Being around her strength certainly helped.

So here we go again. Now I have one son in prison and the other off to war. My friends have told me many times that God never gives me more than I can handle. Geez! my higher power definitely thinks I can handle a lot. Some of my friends call this God's sense of humor, I am not so sure I can appreciate the humor of these situations right now.

Lupe told me last year that the reason he works in the garden was to relieve stress. I thought about that when planting last year. He was right. When we are out in the garden working the dirt, listening to the birds, and feeling the sunshine, and catching a colorful sunset, I do find there has been some time passed that I didn't think about anything but what I am doing. It helps me 'live in the moment.' Today a bird actually let me talk to him for awhile today without him flying off. 

Back to the family, I found another one of my favorite photos in our collection. Here we are waiting for Kaylee. We waited all weekend, then she made her appearance right after I finally got on the train to come home on Monday. She's grandma's girl I guess, doing things in her own time, her own way.

Bob, Marty, & Grandma Debbie waiting for Kaylee

March 2004

Grandpa Scott is there too, someone had to take the photo.  

Kaylee & Bob June 2009

San Diego 

Love those matching eyes and smiles.