February 11, 2011

Gratitude and Growth

I'm a bit melancholy today.  Part of my son's current journey is over today.  I don't think there are any more charges to be brought against him.  He now has to get through the summer in jail and then get on to rebuilding his life. He's got a much harder path to walk then he had two years ago. He has plead guilty to two more felonies.  This makes six felonies in three counties for a very stupid decision. How the F*!k does a person ever get a job with that many felonies? (Pardon the anger showing please.)  When this all started, my biggest fear was that he would spend six months in jail.  He has now been in five different institutions and pretty much incarcerated for the last two years.  He was 21 when he went away, he will be 24 in March. We've spent a lot of holidays talking with glass in between us.

Today he is officially sentenced to 70 months of correctional custody.  They have suspended 5 years with probation and he will serve another 210 days in county jail.   My very polite son, who had so much promise, has now spent the last two years in some kind of correctional facility.  I chose not to go to the courtroom today. Most of me feels good about that decision. One of the biggest lessons I've learned from this ordeal is that I cannot change anything.  I am reminded that the only thing I can change is how I react to the situation.  Instead of being angry, I can find another way to get through this day. I haven't slept much, I knew that would happen.  Even if I am not there, I am still feeling what is about to happen today. This is not what I had in mind for that cute little baby boy. I don't think I will accomplish anything by going through that fear in the courtroom today.  Instead, I'm taking care of myself. I've taken a vacation day and doing a little pampering and then some preparations for spring. Today the gardening begins, indoors and hopefully a little outdoors.Yes, gardening is cheaper than therapy.

My dear friend Cheryl, who passed away in 2009, would have reminded me that everything does work out.  It doesn't always work out the way we want it, but it does work out.  She'd remind me that getting out of ourselves and helping someone else usually helps us feel a little better. She'd ask me when the last time I did a gratitude list was.  You know, it's been awhile.  'Bout time I think.

I am grateful to be a sober. I only thought about drinking a couple times through this ordeal.  I am grateful for all I've learned that helped me not drink.

I am grateful for my loving husband who shows it every day. Sometimes I haven't been too much fun through this.

I am grateful for my sons and grandchildren.  Although we worry, there's a lot of love.  I've heard we can't appreciate the joy without the pain.  I'll try to be grateful for the pain too.

I am grateful for my beautiful warm home.(Especially the great kitchen I spend most my time creating edible art.) I heard yesterday that cooking was a great distraction.  It's working.  Happiness is taking photos of the great experiments gone right. Oh yeah, then sharing them.

I am grateful we found gardening.  My husband and I share a lot of love when we are in the sunshine and dirt taking care of our babies.

I am grateful for the busy job I have which keeps my mind active and allows for a vacation day when necessary.  My job is never boring and always changing. I usually feel appreciated there too.

I am grateful for the loving friends I have in my life. There is a lot of love in my life.  

I am grateful for the ability to be creative and share that with others. Love sharing art and the love of good food with others.  The potluck is a great new distraction. It's been a blessing to have this in my mind instead of my son's troubles.

Now Cheryl would have me do at least five, there's eight.  On my way to feeling better I think.  I haven't slept as much as I would like.  But that's OK, I get to move at my own pace today.   Another reason to be grateful for vacation days. I'm doing OK, but I don't think I want to interact with too many today. I need some solitude myself.  It's time to get ready for spring.  I am starting the day with a deep muscle massage, then a pedicure, (which also comes with reading time), and then if it's not too wet I am headed out to the garden to start some lettuce, onions, and peas.  If it's raining, I'll get them started here.  I also have some Almond Madeleine dough setting in the fridge, I'll share them with you later. I am looking forward to the day!

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.

Kahlil Gibran

1 comment:

  1. Hugs, Deb. You are amazing and things do work out.